


these pockets

by howtodothis



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Childhood Trauma, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Good Regulus Black, M/M, Marauders, Mental Health Issues, Minor Regulus Black/James Potter, POV Sirius Black, Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Smoking, Tall Remus Lupin, but not really, could be long could be short, sirius is oblivious
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-13 16:20:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29903775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howtodothis/pseuds/howtodothis
Summary: Sirius Black has a tendency to feel alone. Despite his best friends and new family, Sirius keeps finding pockets of loneliness hidden everywhere. Still, when Remus Lupin starts at Hogwarts in year five, these pockets seem to get smaller and smaller.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know if I like this or hate it, but that's for you to decide. It's a lot of fluff and a bit of angst because it would be boring without it wouldn't it? Don't know if it will be long or short. It's about four chapters now? Leave comments if you liked it and maybe i'll find some motivation, but that's a big maybe. 
> 
> Hope you like it<3

Sirius Black never felt alone. Or, he made a rule to never be in a position to feel alone. His years as a kid was more than enough already. He didn’t need more loneliness. Because of his rule, created on the train to Hogwarts first year, he decided to use as much time as possible to hang out with someone. To search for people who wouldn’t leave him, and he had that. He found it that same train ride. 

Sirius knew that James and Peter never would leave him for the world. Their friendship was strong and good and so important to Sirius. He didn't know what he would have done if they had left him. Lily too, would not leave him. They had an understanding which they formed after fighting for a full year about stupid things. An understanding filled with dancing in the common room to music only the two of them liked. Nights spent in her bed, talking about everything and nothing. Things Sirius never could tell the boys, not even James. Giving advice to each other that they both knew wasn’t very good. Sirius had found his people and he never planned to let them go. Still, as he got older and he got out of his home and moved in with James, he started to find these pockets of loneliness. He would lay in his bed at night. Not knowing if staying awake and not stopping thinking was better or worse than sleeping and letting nightmares roam free. As these pockets got more and more full, he couldn't understand what he was missing. The only thing he didn't have right now was love, and after breaking Mary's heart without ever wanting to, he didn't really believe in it to be honest. That was before Remus Lupin started on Hogwarts in their fifth year.

Remus Lupin was a lean, tall, absolutely stunning boy. He was all bones, curls and freckles and the boy that moved in in the boys' free bed. Sirius was sure, if he had come a year or two before, the boys would not take him in as they did. But James, Peter and himself had learned from their mistakes and immediately tried to talk to him without seeming overeager. They used to have another roommate, but he went as an exchange student to France in third year and never came back. Remus was shocked when he heard and thought he had died. James quickly explained that Alex, as he was called, just had it much better in France than he did with them. It didn't make Remus' frown go away. All three of them promised him that they wouldn't bother him so much that he had to move and it eased a bit. It was a fine balance with Remus they found out. Some days he would join them on the floor, listening to Bowie and chatting about quidditch, school and music. Other days James would ask him to join them to Hogsmeade or down to Hagrid and Remus would seem angry and indifferent. Those days, the boys left him alone with his books and pillows and hoped for better the next day. It usually got better.

Sirius didn't talk with Remus alone. It was always James who led the conversations, or Peter, or Lily. Even Regulus spoke more with him the times he joined them. It wasn't because of Sirius that they never spoke, and he didn't think it was because of Remus either. The occasion just never came up and they ended up walking in circles around each other and sending polite smiles over dinner. Sirius didn't talk alone with Remus until the fourth week. He had been laying in his bed for what felt like hours, and eventually decided to just stay awake. He silently picked up a sweater and his pack and padded down in his socks. When he came down the stairs and saw another person sitting at the ledge, a fag in his mouth and big brown curls falling in their face, Sirius stopped in his movements. He had never gone down in the middle of the night to smoke and found another person sitting there. What would they talk about? Should he go up and get his shoes and James' invisibility cloak to go up to the astronomy tower? No, that would be utterly stupid. He was going to live with this boy for three more years, he had to talk to him one day.

He coughed. “Sorry, I didn't mean to, I just needed a smoke,” he said and pulled at the end of his sleeve. Remus shook his head and gave him a small, shy smile. 

“No stress, there's space for two,” he said and Sirius sat down pulling out his pack. He patted his pocket.

“Here” Remus said and leant in to help him. Sirius knew that lighting another persons' cigarette was not an intimate gesture, but it did feel like one when he could smell chocolate and smoke coming from Remus. 

“Thanks,” he said, inhaling and exhaling the smoke. The nicotine was already relaxing him a bit. “Didn’t know you smoke,” Sirius said.

“No, I don’t do it often. Just couldn't sleep.” Remus said, flicking the cigarette stump out the window and lighting another one with lean fingers as Sirius watched. “You smoke a lot?” he said and broke Sirius' glance.

“Yeah, unfortunately. Been smoking since third year I think?” 

Remus huffed out a laugh and Sirius didn't know if he imagined the moonlight dancing over his cheekbones as he did or not. “That's young, sounds like a tough childhood” Remus said, probably joking, but Sirius had never been one to sugarcoat or lie. 

“Something like that,” he said and Remus raised his eyebrows.

“Shit, sorry.” Remus said and by the looks of it, he meant it. 

Sirius shook his head, letting it fall back on the wall. “Don’t be. I just had, or Reggie and I had kind of bad parents but were both out now. Have lived with James’ family since fourth year. Real charmers the Potters” he said, always smiling when talking about them.

Remus smiled too. “Sounds good,” he said and then immediately: “Well not your parents! Of course, but that it's better now I meant” Sirius laughed, pulling out another cigarette, but didn't light it. 

“I figured.” he said. “How about you? Any traumas I should know about?” He said. He felt unnervingly comfortable talking with Remus. Like they already knew each other more than well. It reminded Sirius about that first train ride and meeting James. Or his first fight with Lily, like they were siblings and she had taken something of his. Again Remus shook his head, puffing out smoke. “You'll find them out eventually I think. No need to rush it” 

Sirius didn't understand what the boy meant but didn't want to hex their friendship right off the bat. “I’m sure I will,” he said instead and let a good silence stretch about them until Remus finished another one and raised from where he sat. Stretching his arms he looked down at Sirius with sleepy eyes. 

“Are you coming?” he said and Sirius shook his head. 

“Won’t be able to sleep if I do” 

Remus gave him a curious look but didn't say anything. He just nodded slightly and started up the stairs.

“Night,” he said before taking the right turn to the boys’ dorms. 

“Night” Sirius said softly. Not sure if the boy heard it or not.


	2. Chapter 2

After that first night, Remus and Sirius met by the window several times. Sirius because he couldn't sleep and Remus, well he didn't know yet. It could be anything really. That was one of the main tasks Sirius had given himself as a distraction: find out what kept this freckled, beautiful man away from sleep some nights. He wasn’t going to stalk him or anything. He had, after having stalked Severus in third year, realized that you don’t have to see everything another person does. It can leave scars. 

Sirius found himself slowly trying to talk to Remus more. Watch him a bit more than he watched the others and toned down his own personality to let Remus' shine a bit more through. One night, when he and Lily were on a walk before curfew, she started telling a story about something funny Remus did in class and Sirius wished he had been there to see it. 

“He’s really nice actually, and I hate to say it, but probably a bit smarter than me” she said and Sirius laughed. “Don’t you think?” 

“Yeah, he’s nice. I like him” Sirius said. 

He thought about the conversation he had with Remus last night. Remus had asked him how he really was and why he never slept and Sirius had told some of the truth. He told him about the nightmares who kept him up, but didn’t explain them. Remus didn’t ask, just nodded and said ‘Me too’. Then, as if they never had talked about something serious, he started talking about how he was starting to despite Snape. How he hated that he was the best in potions and a douche at the same time. They had laughed and shared more stories. Sirius from the school, and Remus from his years at a muggle school and then homeschool with his mother. Remus seemed to glow talking about his mother and when Sirius asked him if he missed her he had nodded again and looked out the window. 

“Penny for a thought?” Lily said, taking his hand in hers and dragging him down to watch the lake like they always did. 

“No, Remus is just nice that's all” Sirius said, and if Lily had not already noticed how Sirius talked about Remus before, she definitely did know as the smile she gave him was wonderfully scary. Still, she didn’t say anything about it and Sirius squeezed her hand. 

“Sirius!” James said, calling out to him from the couch when he and Lily entered the common room again. 

“What’s up?” 

“Need your help with something” 

“You, James Potter, need my help? I’m intrigued” Sirius said, letting go of Lily’s hand and sending her a kiss as she walked up the stairs. “and why don't you just use Reg? He’s almost the same as me” he joked, and earned a punch in his arm from his brother as he climbed over the couch and sat down. He showed him the finger and gave him a smile for the movies. .

“Fuck you, i’m nothing like you. I’ve done things you never will. Right James?” Regulus said, winking at James, whose laughter filled the golden room. 

“Ah, you’re disgusting,” Sirius said, moving his eyes to find Remus sitting on the floor reading a book. His hands tucked in a big, knitted, brown sweater. He looked quite adorable. “What was the problem again?” he said, diverting his eyes to James again to not stare. James who was half his way climbing in Regulas’ lap. Sirius shoved him back into the couch. 

“Yeah of course, so Remus here, has never, ever, done a prank!” James said, placing a hand on his heart. Remus looked up from his book, both uninterested and interested at the same time. 

“Oh my god I’m shocked! They boys’ who've been homeschooled haven’t done a big old prank?! I’m utterly shocked.” Sirius said, joining the fake shock and earning a soft smile from Remus. He smiled back. 

“I’m sorry, I just don’t get the deal when it comes to pranks,” Remus said, stretching long legs in front of him and leaning down on his elbows. Sirius watched as his sweater trained a bit up, showing yet another sweater. But this one was thinner, tighter. 

“Remus! You can’t say that in front of two of the best pranksters this school ever has had” Regulus said, looking up from his book too. 

James ruffled his hair. “Reg, love, I know you’re being ironic right now, but I’m ignoring it because we have bigger problems to handle okay?” James said and surprisingly, Remus was the one to laugh out loud then. 

They kept at it, telling stories of pranks gone well. Regulus about pranks that didn’t go well. Remus laughed and joined in with comments of their sheer stupidity and Sirius watched his smile every time. Soon they were no other people in the common room and James stretched his arms. 

“What do you say? Sleep?” James said. Regulus nodded, took his outstretched hand and they both went up to the boys’ dorm. 

Remus packed his things, but didn’t join them. “I'll think I'll have a smoke first,” he said instead, pulling out a pack and a lighter. 

“Yeah me too” Sirius said, finding his own pack and moving to where Remus sat by the window. His legs almost dangled out the open window. Sirius patted his pockets. 

“Fuck” he said

“Here” Remus said and like the first time, leaned close to him and lit the cigarette. 

“Thanks,” Sirius said silently, a soft look in his eyes. 

Remus exhaled and looked out again. “So, the couples I’ve found by now are Peter and Mary?” Sirius nodded. “Marlene and Dorcas?” another nod, “and I think Regulus and James? Even though James seems really straight” 

Sirius laughed. “Yeah, he thought he was for a while. Then me and Reg moved in and they got to know each other better. It did take a while for them to notice the attraction though. Potter had been in love with Lily for a couple of years and together with her for one, but they eventually broke it off mutually. Decided they worked better as friends.”

“Didn't take long after that before I caught him and Reg snogging by the lake one morning after quidditch. I promise you, you don’t want to see that.” he said and they both laughed “Still, it’s pretty new, but in a weird way they fit” 

“But isn't that a bit weird for you and James then?” Remus said, looking down at Sirius.

“What would be weird?”.

“You know, you being with Lily now,” Remus said and Sirius coughed up smoke. Remus looked like a deer caught on a highway. 

“Me? Lily? Me and Lily together? Fuck no” Sirius laughed again, still coughing.

“But you seem so tight, holding hands, kissing cheeks.” Remus said, blushing so furiously that Sirius couldn't not stare. Not when his freckles turned darker and his cheeks bigger. He smiled around the cigarette. 

“Yeah I mean, I can understand your reason, and I love Lily to death, but never like that.”

Remus seemed to want to say something, but held silent instead and just nodded and finished the cigarette. 

“You got any good muggle lovers then?” Sirius said, not wanting to stop the conversation. He wanted to know Remus better and not only the bad stuff. He wanted a picture of Remus as a muggle in his head. Baseball caps and all that. Okay, maybe not a baseball hat. 

“Nah, not really.” 

“There must’ve been one, come on” He pressed on. 

“Well, there was Grant from muggle school. Liked him quite a lot, but he moved away and I quit school” Remus said casually and Sirius wanted to punch him for not telling him that he liked boys before. Then again, he himself hadn’t really said it had he? Sirius wasn’t even sure about it. He didn’t try to hide it, but had never dated a guy, just Mary.

“Still in touch or?” He said instead. 

Remus nodded softly, a kind smile on his face. “Yeah, we write letters, tell each other about our life and every person we fall for. It’s quite funny when Grant has grown up to like everyone and everything” he said and laughed fondly before raising and turning to Sirius. “I think you would’ve liked him. Thinks the world revolves around him and all that” 

Sirius shoved him playfully and he put up his hands. “In a good way okay?”

“Yeah sure” Sirius said and shoved him lightly again. Remus stood up. 

“Coming to bed?” Sirius shook his head and started to say something before Remus finished the sentence for him. “Won’t be able to sleep if I do,” He said and Sirius laughed and nodded. 

“Night” He said

Sirius watched him go up the stairs. “Night”


End file.
